Helping Children Cope with Tragic Loss
by Rob Evans, Ed.D., Director, The Human Relations Service, 11 Chapel Place, Wellesley, MA 02481
Tragic loss of any kind, including large, dramatic disasters like
those that have rocked the nation this week, reverberate throughout a
school and a community. Like everyone else, parents and teachers feel
shock and disbelief, followed by immediate concern about those who have
been hurt and killed - and then by concern about the impact on their
own children and students. All of us who are raising or working with
children worry about helping them understand how such a thing could
happen, especially when we ourselves cannot always make sense of it. We
worry about saying too much or too little, about not having enough
information, about saying the wrong thing. Though there is no perfect
solution, there are five guidelines that can often make a positive
difference in talking with children.
- It is helpful not to over-assume what the tragedy means to children.They
react differently depending on their age, their closeness to the
situation, their own personalities, what they hear and are told, and
their family's pattern of communication. Some may be deeply moved,
others less so. Some may have many questions, others fewer. Not all
will be intensely affected. Showing little reaction does not
automatically mean a student is hiding or denying his or her feelings.
- Young people are remarkably resilient.
They may become
quite upset, but given a chance to express what they feel, they usually
resume their normal lives - and often do so more rapidly than we
adults. Tragic deaths can actually hit adults harder than they do
teenagers or young children. Most young people do not benefit from
extensive, probing adult-led questioning about their reactions. They do
profit from simple, direct information and from adults being available
to respond to their questions and to listen.
- If you receive
difficult questions from children it can be useful to understand
these before answering them.
Often a request for information is spurred not only by curiosity,
but by a feeling. Usually, the child already has some idea about
this. We may be more helpful if, rather than plunging into an
immediate answer, we learn what motivates the question. This
is particularly true if the question is a difficult one. Parents
can say, "What made you think of that?" or "Can
you tell me what you were thinking about?" Also, it can
be good to ask "What ideas do you have?" Once you know
the meaning of the question, it is easier to answer effectively.
- There may
be questions we cannot answer, which can make us feel inadequate.
But children and teenagers are typically more comforted by straight
talk than by false assurances. Rather than to invent a response,
it can be much more helpful to say, "I don't know,"
or "I'll try to find out."
- Coping with
a tragedy is not primarily a matter of technique.
It is not something best handled by a "strategy" that
deviates sharply from a family's or a school's familiar patters
of communication. The routines of school, for example, are all
by themselves a source of comforting continuity and assurance.
Parents and teachers both will rarely go wrong by relying on
what is most basic between them and children - caring and connection.
At these times, even if everyone feels deeply upset, your presence
- your simply being with them, their knowing that you are available
- will be reassuring.
Reproduction of an article (September 12, 2001) sent to all Heads of Schools from the National Association of Independent Schools following the Terrorist Attack on New York City on 9/11/2001
