Talking with Children when the talking gets tough
Distributed by Judith A. Myers-Walls, Extension Specialist, Purdue University, Summer of 2000
Wars, shootings in schools, natural
disasters, deaths at sporting events - as adults we hope that
these and other tragic outcomes will never happen anywhere and
definitely will not impact the children and youth we care about.
We would like to protect those young minds from the pain and
horror of difficult situations. We would like to ensure that
they have happy, innocent and carefree lives. So what is a parent,
teacher or other caring adults to do when disasters fill the
airwaves and the consciousness of society?
- Don't assume
that the kids don't know about it.
They probably know more than you think. The reality of today's
world is that news travels far and wide. Adults and children
learn about disasters and tragedies shortly after they occur,
and live video footage with close-ups and interviews are part
of the report. Children and youth are exposed to the events as
soon as they can watch TV or interact with others who are consumers
of the news. Not talking about it does not protect children.
In fact, you may communicate that the subject is taboo and that
you are unavailable if you remain silent.
- Be available
and "askable."
Let kids know that it
is okay to talk about the unpleasant events. Listen to what they
think and feel. By listening, you can find out if they have misunderstandings,
and you can lean more about the support that they need. You do
not need to explain more than they are ready to hear, but be
willing to answer their questions.
- Share your
feelings.
Tell young people if
you feel afraid, angry or frustrated. It can help them to know
that others also are upset by the events. They might feel that
only children are struggling. If you tell them about your feelings,
you also can tell them about how you deal with the feelings.
Be careful not to overwhelm them or expect them to find answers
for you.
- Help children
use creative outlets like art and music to express their feelings.
Children may not be comfortable of skilled with words, especially
in relation to difficult situations. Using art, puppets, music
or books might help children open up about their reactions. They
may want to draw pictures and then destroy them, or they could
want to display them or send them to someone else. Be flexible
and listen.
- Reassure
young people and help them feel safe.
When tragic events occur, children may be afraid that the same
will happen to them. Some young children may even think that
it already did happen to them. It is important to let them know
that they are not at risk - if they are not. Try to be realistic
as you reassure them, however. You can try to support them and
protect them, but you can not keep all bad things from happening
to children. You can always tell them that you love them though.
You can say that, no matter what happens, your love will be with
them. That is realistic and often that is all the children need
to feel better.
- Support children's
concern for people they do not know.
Children often are afraid not only for themselves, but also for
people they do not even know. They learn that many people are
getting hurt or are experiencing pain in some way. They worry
about those people and their well being. In some cases they might
feel less secure or cared for themselves if they see that others
are hurting. It is heartwarming and satisfying to observe this
level of caring in children. Explore ways to help others and
ease the pain.
- Look for
feelings beyond fear.
After reassuring kids, don't stop there. Studies have show that
children also may feel sad or angry. Let them express that full
range of emotions. Support the development of caring and empathy.
Be careful not to encourage the kind of response given by one
child: "I don't care if there's a was as long as it doesn't
affect me and my family."
- Help children
and youth find a course of action.
One important way to
reduce stress is to take action. This is true for both adults
and children. The action may be very simple or more complex.
Children may want to write a letter to someone about their feelings,
get involved in an organization committed to preventing events
like the one they are dealing with, or send money to help victims
or interventionists. Let the young people help to identify the
action choices. They may have wonderful ideas.
- Take action
and get involved in something.
It is not enough to let children take action by themselves. Children
who know that their parents, teachers, or other significant caregivers
are working to make a difference and feel hope. They feel safer
and more positive about the future. So do something. It will
make you feel more hopeful too. And hope is one of the most valuable
gifts we can give children and ourselves.
