When a friend has anxiety
or depression
Many of us learn CPR (cardio-pulmonary
resuscitation) in case someone near us has a heart attack,
but not many of us get training on how to help a friend or relative
who suffers an anxiety attack or persistent depression. Just
as we might try to get someone to an emergency room or a physician
after a heart attack, we might try to get a friend to see a professional
therapist to work out other kinds of problems. But the process
of referring someone you care about is very, very challenging.
Many time friends of the Counseling
Center have called me worried about someone they care about.
They believe that this person could benefit from professional
help but are not sure how to help the individual start therapy.
What can you do to help?
In such a
situation I recommend the following steps:
- Listen
- Empathize
- Expect hesitance
- Know the
professional
Let's explore the steps:
(1) Listening is the first step in helping a friend.
When a person knows you sincerely care how he is, often he will be open
and tell you. Everyone feels overwhelmed by life at times. Occasionally
as you listen, you begin to recognize that your friend is struggling.
You may begin to see that she feels "stuck", depressed or anxious and
you realize that some extra help could be useful.
If you listen long enough, you may sense that your friend is ready to
hear some feedback from you. By your careful listening, you have earned
the right to share some thoughts with him about various alternatives.
Listening to a friend who is in a personal crisis or depression can
lead you to a deeper relationship and the chance to help that person
gain courage to seek further help. Caring counts. It's hard to pretend
to be available to someone. Be sure you are willing to commit your time
and energy, before you open yourself to your friend' s problems. Not
following through could lead to his disappointment and possibly harm
your relationship.
(2) Empathize by trying to see a problem from your friend' s
perspective, and not from your own.
If you are hoping to earn the right to help a friend take a step toward
therapy, you have to discover what the concern means to him. Often you
will find there is a history that causes your friend to feel
overwhelmed. A job loss for the third time has a different significance
than it did the first time.
Many people imagine their problems as externally caused. They have had
a series of "bad" bosses or relationships and these are the causes of
their troubles. The process of referral is so complicated because you
are helping someone realize that some of the factors that make life
depressing or anxiety- provoking, can come from inside the person. Your
role as a friend, is to help that person recognize that some of the
depth of the problem comes from factors he can change about himself. He
doesn't have to wait until his spouse, boss or teenaged adolescent
changes.
You may realize that your friend needs more help than you can provide.
However, you can't assume that she will agree there IS a problem or
that the problem is big enough to seek help. This takes time. It helps
to learn how long she has felt this way or if she took the problem
seriously. You might find out how the problem is affecting her and her
energy. If you've known the person over a period of time, you may have
heard complaints about similar situations at different times. You could
point out that there seems to be a pattern to these complaints. For
example, you might mention that this is the third time she has felt
terribly hurt by a friend's misunderstanding.
You may not understand why your friend is hurting, but you can
recognize that she is struggling and doesn't have to keep experiencing
the pain. You may observe that it's as if the person has a hidden
expectation that causes her to look for and find a disappointing
relationship or job situation. You might tell her that the difficulties
she speaks of going through is more than you think she should have to
endure. You can tell her you believe an outside resource can free her
from this repetitive pattern.
(3) Expect hesitance
Often it is quite a new thought for some people to consider investing
time and money in their own problems. Sometimes it feels like a
betrayal of the job one's parents did in raising him.
If you've spent the time, if you've listened as hard as you can, and if
you've earned the respect for your point of view, your friend will be
more likely to consider your advice. It may take time. Do not become so
invested in making a referral that you lose the friendship. Sometimes
your friend may get the idea you are recommending therapy to get him or
her "off your back."
When someone hesitate to take the first step, simply keep listening.
Later, if the pattern intensifies or recurs, a person may make the
decision.
(4) Know the professional to whom you are making the referral.
When you can say that you have met the professional you are
recommending, the
person will be much more likely to trust your suggestion. It means you
are recommending a specific person rather than a faceless group. You
may wish to call the Center to discuss the situation. We always try to
match the individual needs to the right staff member. If you like, you
can talk directly, at least by telephone, to that staff member so that
you will feel more confident in making the referral.
Why try to help at all?
Nothing is more satisfying that helping someone you love and care about
take a first step towards beginning to have a more effective life and
more satisfying relationships. Touching base with them in future years
can be very meaningful as they share how their life has opened up for
them. Those of us who have been loved in key moments are free to help
others. In many ways our friends will find a new freedom to love
because we have had the courage to help them.
