Four Hoursemen in Relationships

Couples seek help all the time with a relationship in deep trouble. They may not be headed for immediate separation or divorce, but they know that things are not nearly as good as they used to be, and something usually happens that makes them think they need help working on their relationship -- a precipitating event. Many couples hope to make the relationship better, others want help in figuring out if this is the right relationship for them going forward, and still others are pretty sure they need to break up because it is going nowhere.

We couples therapists often turn to the research of Dr. John Gottman and his theory of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He lays out the 4 most predictive indicators of a relationship on the rocks:

• CRITICISM: A discussion that starts out to try to solve a problem turns into a mutual blame fest and character assasination. It usually escalates higher and higher in intensity and volume until they are just bashing one another.
• DEFENSIVENESS: One or both parties will not accept the points made by the other and will try to deflect them or push them away. This, too, is useless for the couple to get anywhere.
• CONTEMPT: When one person is speaking, the other one is rolling his or her eyes and showing that they do not accept one word their partner is saying. Gottman says this particular horseman is indicative of the probable outcome of the relationship. When he encounters this with couples he assumes they will probably separate unless they can get out of it with help.
• STONEWALLING: Blocking out what the other person is saying. Leaving the room, not listening, texting, or just plain ignoring the other person, especially when they are trying to make an important point.

All of these conditions can be improved with conscious effort and with the help of a trained couples' therapist. If you have one of the above now and then, it may not be too bad; but if you have all of them often, the relationship needs emergency help! So don't delay. Three good people working together can make a relationship better!